User blog comment:SibunaSeason34/~November Vent Blog~/@comment-25576856-20141112013809

I hate how I've already commented on this but I feel the need to comment again because I have stuff I need to get off my chest.

I hate how I'm so much of a lonely fuck that I went on chat and had a conversation with myself. The 'friends' I'm with in my school are fake and they're closer to each other than they are to me. That's something I've dealt with my whole life: my group of friends being closer to each other than to me. I feel like I'm cursed for that to happen with every friendship I have. I've never been someone's number 1 friend (except for once, but that's a completely different story and doesn't count), not even to those I had considered my own best friends. They can be good company when they're not ignoring me, but I'd rather sit alone than with them. But when I sit alone, one of them feels the need to approach me and keep me company because they feel guilty, then they leave while I'm in the middle of eating my lunch. But my school's too damn small and clique-y for me to find others to be friends with. I hate how fucking pathetic I sound right now.

I hate how paranoid I am towards other people, towards pretty much everyone. Ever since my childhood friends betrayed me (that's something entirely different), I've had the fear/insecurity that people don't actually like me and find me really annoying and weird, but put up with me anyway. I hate my fears. I hate how insecure I feel writing this because I never, I mean NEVER, express my deep feelings and stuff to anyone because I'm kind of terrible with feelings. The only reason I'm saying this now is because I don't know any of you personally, so it's completely safe.

Gosh, this feels so uncomfortable to write. I'm going to go hide now.