User blog comment:PieandHOALoverHere/I Want YOUR Opinion...YEAH YOU/@comment-3083473-20121220015505

It's pretty good. I could really see where this story is going. You should just try making your sentences flow a bit more. You're kinda just stating things and switching topics really quickly and it's very confusing for a reader. Other than that, just practice your spelling and punctuation and this could be a fantastic story.

And also try your best to be as original as possible. I've written some stuff before and I know that when you're just starting out the story sounds choppy and copied, but just revising the story more can make it very unique and interesting!