Thread:SibunaSeason34/@comment-4816103-20141109200943/@comment-24596535-20141110181746

Corbierr wrote: Very few things I think I need to change! As the moonlight was shining bright in the end of the view, and the tree leaves were easily blowing away in the wind, I touched the ground and all I felt was cold night sand softly skittling my hand. I decided to look around, I didn't know where I was. All I knew was that I was on an island, surrounded by fog. But when I turned behind me, the water wasn't there. It was instead a swirling golden void. I threw a rock into it, and the rock vanished. <-- So people aren't confused

okay

I moved onward, drawn by what seemed like some strange mystical power, farther up the beach. Coming to some rocks, I began to climb. Higher and higher, until the sand and golden void below had disappeared beneath the fog. But it didn't matter how high I went. Something compelled me to keep going.

The peak of what I now realized was a mountain was covered in snow, but when I touched it, I didn't feel any sort of cold. That wasn't what caught my attention, however.

It was the magnificent golden temple that did.

"Come forward, child," A powerful, male voice boomed. It sounded like it was coming from all directions. "Come forward, and accept your destiny."

I took the final step into the temple. That's when I woke up - my dream was over. Without thinking about my dream too much, I stood up and got ready to go to school. It was my second week being at my new school and I felt somehow quite nervous inside, my heart was beating fast and I wasn't sure was going on. "Maybe the dream had an affect on my emotions?" I thought, as I opened the bathroom door and washed my face. I was ready to go. <-- Got rid of redundancy, made it sound a bit better

because we're talking about jake/chance being AT HOME, school instead of class fits better because you first have to walk to school, then you head to the class (this is hopeless, lmao)

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Monday was just getting started and many of the students were already hanging out in the corridors, waiting for their first lesson. Big amout of the students were studying, as well as some of them were talking, joking around, everyone was happy to be starting another day at the boarding school, apart from Kelly, whose face was covered in tears, screaming at a few of her friends. <-- Fixed grammar a bit

thank you

Kelly: I hate you, Dave, I hate you!

Many students had their fake smiles on their faces on, laughing at Kelly. But five of the students watching the scene didn't know what was going on, and simply looked on in shock and confusion. Michelle, one of those five students, felt sorry for Kelly, and she couldn't let herself stand there and do nothing. That's when she decided to start taking controll of the situation. <--- Just made it sound better and yeah

lmao this actually sounds way much better

Michelle: Yo, what the hell, Dave? Why are you freaks laughin' at her?

Kelly stood there and cried, all she wanted to do was scream, but she couldn't even do that as her face was drowning in tears.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Kelly: It's alright, Michelle, just leave it.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle: There is no way I'm letting this go. So, Dave, will you answer me or what?

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Dave: Everyone found out Kelly's parents are homosexuals.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle: And what? It's not her fault! If your mother was married to another woman, how would you feel? Maybe it'd be time for you moron to stop bitchin', and become a man. Otherwise, who am I kidding, you don't even look like a man.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Dave: What are you, her guardian?

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle: I ain't her guardian, I'm her friend. As for you, you don't even have one.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Dave: ... You are such a bitch!

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle: Must've learnt that from you.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle smiled at Dave and took Kelly's hand, who accepted the gesture only after a small pause. <--- IDK, I just feel it fits 

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">lahl yeah it does

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle: Come on, there ain't one thing that should bother you around here.

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Michelle and Kelly both walked away to the class, leaving everyone else behind. <--- yeah I just feels that also fit xD

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">it does

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">Nice beginning though!

<p style="color:rgb(0,0,0);line-height:22px;margin-bottom:0px!important;">thanks